Tag: lifestyle

Swinging vs Cheating – How is it NOT Cheating?

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Swinging vs Cheating – How is it NOT Cheating?

So, what’s the difference between swinging and cheating? The main difference is awareness of what your partner is doing. Cheating occurs without your partner’s knowledge or consent. It is hidden and kept a secret – relying upon the “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” ideology. However, more often than not, a cheater is found out and trust in the relationship is broken – sometimes never to be regained. Swinging is done with both partners’ knowledge and consent. Most times (at least in the beginning), both partners are present for the sexual exchanges with other people. This is one of the main draws to this type of lifestyle – you really can have your cake and eat it too!

For Shades and I, it increases the intimacy and trust between the two of us. We have to be open to discussing our likes and dislikes, issues we have with certain activities and our comfort level with things that occur. When we started this journey, we did a lot of talking beforehand.

We went through all the “what ifs” and scenarios we could come up with. Even trying to prepare, the reality was much different. Even after talking about hypothetical situations, reality caused different reactions for us both, that we had not expected. Not that the reactions were necessarily bad. Most weren’t, but we realized that until you are actually in a situation, you really can’t know what your reaction will be.

This realization started a whole new form of communication between the two of us: the active discussion during a party or gathering. I’ve always been one to “check in” when we are out – even just at a bar and having fun of a non-sexual manner. It’s part of who I am to check on Shades and make sure he’s enjoying himself and that he’s not supremely bored. So, this part of the process came very naturally to me. For Shades, it’s taken him a bit to learn to check in with me, luckily any times I’ve had an issue have been few and far between. So it’s safe to say that we take care of each other and communicate well throughout our experiences.

I’ve often said that I would be entirely happy with Shades as my only partner for the rest of my life. So, why do I do this? The answer is simple, because we share in it together. We both get something out of it. I enjoy the exhibitionist aspect (as well as getting pleasure from a multitude of different experiences), and Shades gets to fulfill his voyeuristic fantasies. We see it as feeling secure in the intimacy between the two of us and expanding that outwards. There is more to our relationship than just sex, so exploring our sexual desires is merely an activity meant for fun.

Casting Off Doubt

Blog Boots Lifestyle Swinger

Casting Off Doubt

Anxiety rides high as we approach the location of our first party. It’s at a private residence, my friend Ted, who invited us, assures me that it’s low-key, no judgement and just a bunch of adults having a good time. I’ve run through all the “what ifs” in my head, and I’m ready, well as ready as anyone is thinking about a party where the sole purpose is to hook up with someone other than your partner…… My bathing suit is on, tastefully covered by a pair of cute shorts and a low-cut, sleeveless top. No way I was walking into this thing showing off what I feel is a collection of lumps, bumps and ugly stretch marks.

We pull in, and are greeted by the “security,” he has a clipboard and asks us for our online handle. We don’t have one yet, but he has our names. He tells us where to park and lets us through. The sun is shining, we can hear the music pumping out of the pool area and a good crowd has already gathered even though it’s fairly early in the day (6PM). We gather our cooler, towels and sunglasses and walk to the gate. Upon entering the pool area, we are greeted by two beautiful topless ladies, laughing and giggling and welcoming people who are entering. We fill out paperwork and whatnot, it’s normal procedure (liability forms to make sure we won’t sue the hosts if we get hurt running around the pool). I’m so nervous, I can hardly write our names on the form. We get asked about payment, our friend Ted had offered to cover our initial attendance.

I nervously squeak out, “Well, um…Ted, he, uh…said that he was covering us?”

The one woman looks at me and says, “Oh, gotcha…well, I’ll get it out of him then. One way or another.” She gave me a smile and a wink. I flush hot red and look away. I know what she means….. After a bit more uncomfortable banter, and we are free to find a place to sit.

Shades and I find a couple of lounge chairs against the back wall of the fenced in pool area. Perfect for viewing all the comings and goings of the attendees. I just want to sit, I’m dying for a smoke and a beer…. We set our things down, he finds a spot for our cooler, hands me a beer and we sit, silently taking in the scene in front of us.

Shades and I are huge people watchers, it’s one of our favorite activities together. I text Ted to let him know we have arrived as I do not see him anywhere in the clusters of people. The pool is full of people cooling off from the heat of the day, there is an unoccupied hot tub near the entrance of the house. Bodies, everywhere….. I am amazed at how comfortable everyone seems in their own skin. There is every body type, most still in bathing suits, some already comfortable enough to be almost or fully naked. Such an amazing conglomeration of human flesh.

More people file through, as people see others they know hugs and kisses are exchanged. Everyone seems so friendly and welcoming. A few people walk by us and say hello, smiling at us. Ted finally appears, tall and slim, he is wearing a near see-through pair of red swim shorts. I blush slightly as he sits on the lounge chair with me, welcoming us and asking what we think so far. He encourages us to take a tour, get a better lay of the land and not be sticks in the mud and sit in one place all night.

 

As if on queue, the “security” guy who greeted us at the entrance makes an announcement that someone is doing a tour shortly and to come to the doorway of the house to begin. Shades and I make our way over, looking around and I realize just how crowded the place has become. A naked woman greets us at the doorway, she’s very friendly and asks if it’s our first time, we both nod. She introduces herself as Andrea. She is bubbly and friendly, grabs my arm and away we go.

The tour is quick, we are shown a small play room with a makeshift “glory hole” made of sheets hung on pvc pipe and a sex swing apparatus. Then into the main house, the kitchen is just a kitchen, nothing to see here. Moving on, she takes us to the living room, the sectional couch has been covered with sheets and two air mattresses take up space on the floor. They are empty for the time being, but my mind races to think of the things that will probably occur there later in the evening. She shows us where the bathroom is and notifies us (along with a kid gate and a sign), that no one is allowed upstairs and it is strictly off limits.

And so ends the tour, we retreat back to our chairs at the back of the pool and resume people watching. Shades checks in to see how I feel about things, my general feeling is that of being overwhelmed, but strangely comfortable at the same time.

 

Defining This Thing We Call “The Lifestyle”

Blog Lifestyle Rules Swinger What's This All About?

Defining This Thing We Call “The Lifestyle”

I’ve had a few people curious about some of the terminology I use or have questions about what this lifestyle is about. I figured it would be a good idea to give a little context to things, so here it is. These are common terms used within the lifestyle. I would like to note that “lifestyle” is a bit of a fluid term. It is the same word used to describe a few different sexual preferences, like BDSM for instance. While what I do is not considered a part of the BDSM lifestyle, it is called the lifestyle in the same way that BDSM groups use it.

neon signage - What does this mean?

The Lifestyle

The Lifestyle is a term coined by Robert McGinley  I believe in the 70’s or 80’s.  It is basically a modern version of the term “Swingers.” However, most people in the Lifestyle feel it is more encompassing that just swinging. It can also include people that are sexually open minded in general.

Vanilla

Vanilla refers to something that is non-Lifestyle. For example, and Vanilla Club, Vanilla Friends or Party.

Play

The general term for sexual activity between members of the lifestyle. Rather than call it sex, it is much more fun to call it “play”.

Full Swap

Full Swap is generally when a couple fully swaps partners, including intercourse.  Some Full Swap couples are interested in playing in the same room, and some are interested in separate rooms.

Soft Swap

Soft Swap is when couples exchanges partners, but do not have intercourse. Generally it is limited to swapping orally.

Unicorn

A Unicorn refers to a single woman in the lifestyle who likes to play with couples. They are called Unicorns because they are pretty rare, and many have never seen one!

Group Sex

Is a group of people all having sex. This is what most Vanilla people think swingers do every Saturday night; however, it is rare occurrence. Swinging typically consists of two or three couples.

Same Room

If someone says they are interested in “Same Room” this may mean they are interested in Full Swap Same Room, or it may mean they are interested in having sex with their partner in the same rooms another couple is having sex and watching each other.

Hall Pass

This mean that one of the individuals has permission to play on his own from his partner.

Girl-Girl

Girl-Girl is where just the women play and the men either watch, join their partners, do their taxes or play a board game,  but do not have any interaction with the other persons partner. Some Couples are interested in Girl-Girl with limited touching.

Exhibitionists

These are people that enjoy having sex while other people watch and are not necessarily Swingers.

Voyeurs

These are people that enjoy watching others have sex and are not necessarily Swingers.

Nudism/Nudist

Are people who enjoy being nude and being nude is part of their Lifestyle. Nudist claim that they separate being nude from sexuality.  Nudist are not necessarily Swingers, and Swingers are not necessarily nudist.  Be warned that Nudist camps or resorts are NOT Swingers Clubs. There are typically many children present at these places, so any show of sexuality is obviously frowned upon.

Newbies

Are people new to the Lifestyle, or to a Lifestyle club or resort. I.E “Let’s wait in the lobby and get the Newbies when the bus arrives!”

Bareback

Bareback would refer to having intercourse without the use of a condom. This is generally frowned upon in the Lifestyle.

House Party

A house party is a where a member of the Lifestyle hosts a party at their house.

Meet & Greet

A Meet & Greet is an event typically held at a hotel or bar and there is no sex involved, just mild flirting and banter. These are generally low pressure events for people interested in the Lifestyle to get their feet wet.

Swingers Club

Swingers Clubs are events  where sexual activities take place at the location. They are typically BYOB and generally have areas or rooms (or both!) for people to have sex or “play”. There are swingers clubs in every state in the United States and in most of the world. These clubs are a safe place for people to meet  and explore their sexuality. These clubs are typically NOT high pressure environments, as some would suspect. They are a great way to meet other people in the Lifestyle.

Bisexual

Bisexuality is very common in the Lifestyle with women. Not only is it socially acceptable, but it is encouraged.

MFM

Stands for Male, Female, Male. This is a situation where there are two Men and one women in a threesome

FMF

Stand For Female, Male, Female. This is a situation where there are two women and one Male in a threesome.

 

Overcoming Doubts – Part 1

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Overcoming Doubts – Part 1

After much hemming and hawing, I agreed to go to our first party. The party is a pool party, the weather is super gorgeous and warm and I love the water anyway. Shades was super excited (what guy wouldn’t be, right? Naked bodies, a pool and hot tub – hell yeah!). I needed a bit more coaxing…. This is totally a step outside of my norm, I’m not much of one to wear a bathing suit, hell, I rarely wear shorts in the summer!

Just thinking about going to a party like this brought up so many questions and doubts in my mind. Is my body even good enough to be seen by others? Will I even fit in? Are Shades and I just gonna sit there like lumps on a log and no one will talk to us? All these questions ran through my mind, sometimes one at a time, sometimes all at once. It all boiled down to one main issue – my constant need for people to like me and to feel included as part of a group. This issue has followed me through most of my pre-adolescent and adult life. Not that I really ever show it, I normally have a pretty confident outward persona. I pretend that I don’t care what people think of me and that I’m impervious to criticism and other people’s opinions of me. But deep down, when I’m home alone and in my own head, all I can think of is how much I want people to like me and accept me and understand that I really do have feelings.

woman with words about not being good enough projected on her body

Thank goodness Shades knows me so well, we talked and talked and talked about the issues I had about going. He assured me that he doesn’t see it as “just another thing to get people to like me,” but as an experience to share between the two of us  and meet some new people. We discussed expectations and chose to just go and see what happens, no pressure to do anything we don’t want to do and I have the final say in what happens.

After a week or so of discussion and thinking of the “what ifs”, I’m good to go, so off to the store it is to find a bathing suit. I think back to how excited I used to be to buy a new bathing suit – cute bikinis and tankinis, my flat stomach and gorgeous legs being shown off in the sun and water. Now, I’m in the dressing room, staring at every lump and bump and imperfection. Stretch marks where soft, supple skin used to be. My heart breaks for what was and trying to accept what is now. I text my friend who invited us to the party.

gif of a text conversation - readable by eye

Searching for a bathing suit for Shades is so much easier. He’s got that sexy dad bod that reflects a youth filled with weightlifting and he thanks to his job, he still has hints of a fairly decent physique. We quickly grab a suit for him and get the hell out of the store. Even though I picked up two bathing suits, I still can’t decide between the two. Both are bikinis, both show off more skin than I’ve shown in years.

All I can think of is being thankful that alcohol is allowed – I make sure we pick up a case of beer. No way I’m even people-watching sober! Excited, scared, nervous and curious, we embark on our new adventure.

Image celebrating beauty of women of all sizes - pencil drawing.

The Pineapple Significance

Blog Lifestyle Swinger Symbols What's This All About?

The Pineapple Significance

So, what’s the deal about all the pineapple references? I figure it’s only fair to explain, because I find it kinda funny. It’s one of the urban legends that exists to identify swingers from non-swingers. There are actually a few of these legends I found online. The one I gravitate to is of course, the pineapple. Apparently, if you’re a swinger you’re supposed to put an upside down pineapple in your shopping cart at the grocery store to identify yourself. (and maybe pick up another hot couple? I have no clue…never seen this happen lol) Also, you can decorate your mailbox with pineapples to indicate your lifestyle preference. Another good one is white rocks outside your house near the front door (Watch out! Better tell grandma to be careful of the rocks she puts in her landscaping out front! LOL)

There are quite a few suggestions online about these symbols and others, but here’s the deal, if your friends are swingers, they won’t tell you unless they think you can handle it. Most of us are very discreet, because, really….what we do in our bedrooms and with whom is our own business. We don’t want to risk being outed at our jobs, churches, social circles or anywhere else that might feel like we would be judged. This is the reason I use a pseudonym – yes, there are quite a few of my close friends who know and some coworkers, but fully outing myself is my choice. There are still family members who may not take kindly to it and I really don’t want to make it their business. What they don’t know, won’t hurt them. 😉

So, Boots, why write about this at all? Well, the answer is simple,I think I have a unique view on things and can maybe help others as they navigate through their own sexuality and finding themselves. The experiences I’ve had so far have opened my eyes to deeper things than just hooking up with some hot people. The way that people interact with each other is really intriguing to me and makes me take a closer look at the way that I interact with others – both in and out of the lifestyle.

I hope to post more often and with better frequency. Please forgive me that I haven’t. It is a difficult thing sometimes to get my thoughts out on paper and feel like maybe people don’t want to hear what I say – one of the things I’m working through. Thank you for reading so far and hope to bring you some new material soon!